I had hoped that when Roger Ailes allowed me to post here as a guest during his vacation, I would be able to use this platform for the good of all Roger Ailes readers.

But instead I had to defend myself from one ridiculous charge after another: that I was using the Ailes coffers to keep myself in Cotton Club ginger ale and Little Debbie Snack Cakes; that I was a fan of Nickelback and Creed; that I broke the Hepplewhite chair at the Ailes compound; even that I was having an affair with this woman. Of course, none of these allegations are true. Those Nickelback CDs were left at my house by my nephew. Roger told me I could help myself to the contents of the Ailes refigerator and snack cupboard. That chair was broken when I got here. And there isn't enough Zinfandel in the world for that last thing to happen.

Every one of those allegations, and the many others like them, were false and were proven to be so. But it took a lot of time and money to defend myself, and frankly it's just not worth it any more.

And so I am stepping down as guest blogger here at Roger Ailes. I guess the easy thing to do would be to keep posting until Roger comes back, which should be any day now. But nah, only dead fish go with the flow. The right thing to do when you're faced with adversity is to move forward by quitting, not quit by moving ahead.

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me: sports . . . baseball. I use it because you're naïve if you don't see what's going on here: the Cleveland Indians are having a crappy season. They're 18 games under .500. Sure, the players could decide to try harder and to keep their focus on having a better second half of the season. But the better course of action is for them to give up right now and to keep playing the half-assed kind of baseball that Indians fans have become accustomed to. Or better yet, to just give up altogther. They can do more for baseball outside of the league than they can inside it!

And we will be in the capable hands of fellow guest blogger Tom Hilton. Hell, he even updates his own blog, which is more than I can say for myself.

I conclude with the words of Homer J. Simpson: I tried my best, and I failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

Thank you, and God bless this blog, and God bless the United States of America.

Imagine that you are working for the 2009 Aspen Ideas Festival, and that you have been tasked with assigning seats to the opening night banquet for all the festival's speakers and presenters. Your boss, a malevolent man, tells you to put together a table he refers to as Fuckwit Nation, to be comprised of the six stupidest and most useless participants in attendance.

You scan the list of presenters and speakers, and the first four denizens of Fuckwit Nation pop out all at once, as their surnames all begin with the letter P: Mark Penn. Dana Perino. Tim Pawlenty. Dennis Prager. Who would deny any of these people a seat at the table?

You continue to check the list. Aha! you say. How did I miss this guy before? And you assign David Gregory to the table.

Just one more name, you tell yourself. I just need one more dullard, one more total know-nothing, to put at this table. You pick up the list again. Your eye catches a name you'd mentally blocked out before. You smile as you assign the last name to the table. Fuckwit Nation is now complete.

I'm pretty sure Roger has never embedded YouTube videos in his blog. But he did say that we guest posters could fiddle about, so I'm going to do it anyway, because I think this kicks a fair amount of ass, and I'm betting you might think so too.