Big Balls

It's New Year's Eve and a lot of balls will be dropping.

And not just at midnight.

I'm talking about the ones attached to Congressional Republicans:

WASHINGTON -- Federal prosecutors and lawyers for Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff are putting the finishing touches on a plea deal that could be announced as early as Tuesday, according to people familiar with the negotiations.

The plea agreement would secure the lobbyist's testimony against several members of Congress who received favors from him or his clients.

Everything changes on New Year's Day.

Happy New Year's everyone.

Ball safely.

Bill Safliar is back on the Times' op-ed page, and the paper's not even bothering with the pretense that anyone would pay to read him. It's his prediction column, in which he touts Norah Vincent as "the new Steinem."

Judy Miller is the new Roy Cohn would be more like it.

The Power Broker

Finally, my immense influence over party politics has been recognized:

We have two great parties in America. One is in thrall to big money. The other is under the control of left wing "new politics," upper middle class, and highly educated activists. The primary domestic objective of the contemporary GOP is to comfort the comfortable and afflict the afflicted. However, the primary objective of the National Democratic Party is not to address the anxieties of the middle class or poor working Americans but rather to relieve the fevered anxieties of the ACLU, Hollywood funders and puerile bloggers.

As an anxious middle class puerile blogger, it sounds like a wash for me.

But I suppose I should use my new-found clout.

Dean, Reid, get this rightwing tosspot out of my party. Pronto.

Call Western Union

I spent some more time wondering why Dana Rohrabacher would say the following, given the undisputed evidence of what a scumbag Jack Abramoff is:

"I think he's been dealt a bad hand and the worst, rawest deal I've ever seen in my life. Words like bribery are being used to describe things that happened every day in Washington and are not bribes."

Then I thought, what a stupid question.

School For Scandal

And while we're flogging Steno Sue (and her co-author and researcher), much to the consternation of Kitty Parker, what's up with this claim:

"[Abramoff] was a generous patron in his Orthodox Jewish community, starting a boys' religious school in Maryland?"

Generous like this?

Capital Athletic Foundation, a charity run by disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff now at the center of an influence-peddling investigation on Capitol Hill, told the IRS it gave away more than $330,000 in grants in 2002 to four other charities that say they never received the money.

The largest grant the foundation listed in its 2002 tax filing was for $300,000 to P'TACH of New York, a nonprofit that helps Jewish children with learning disabilities.

"We've never received a $300,000 gift, not in our 28 years," a surprised Rabbi Burton Jaffa, P'TACH's national director, told the Austin American-Statesman. "It would have been gone by now. I guess I would have been able to pay some teachers on time."

"Oh, but we only meant he was generous to one particular school. You know, the one he sent his own kids to, not the one for that kind of kids."

This one?

Internal records state, for example, that Abramoff and his wife, Pam -- who are listed as the foundation's sole directors -- spent more than 70 percent of its revenue from 2001 to 2003, or $4.03 million, on a Jewish school that Abramoff founded in Columbia. The Eshkol Academy operated for two years and schooled two of his sons before closing this spring with unpaid bills, faculty members said.

...

By that time, the Eshkol Academy had leased office space to use for classes and enrolled several dozen students, some of whom paid annual tuition of more than $12,000. The Capital Athletic Foundation contributed more than $1.85 million to the academy that year, enough to pay a handful of teachers and a dean. The school also bought two Zamboni ice-cleaning machines, even though it did not own a hockey rink.

...

E-mails at the time showed Abramoff pushing for more money for his enterprise. He sent an e-mail to Scanlon in February 2003 stating: "Please make sure the next $1M[illion] from Coushatta for me goes to Eshkol Academy directly. Please tell them that we are 'using the school as our conduit for some of activities.' " The e-mail added that "if that won't fly with them, use CAF," referring to the Capital Athletic Foundation, or the National Center for Public Policy Research.

Abramoff repeated the request in e-mails in March and April. The Eshkol Academy "is our front group," the first e-mail said. The second said: "I really need to get those funds into Eshkol asap. Let me know what we have to do."

More here.

Abramoff founded a school involved in money laundering; one that stiffed its employees (who Jackoff calls ingrates) and its creditors and screwed its tuition-paying students out of a diploma. What a mensch.

"[DeLay and Abramoff] forged political ties, but the two men never became personally close, according to associates of both men."

Whether or not the Bugchaser and Jackoff enjoyed family barbecues together or held each others' dicks in the clubhouse shower after 18 holes is, of course, irrelevant.

But what's pathetic is that Steno Sue repeats the "associates"' claim as fact without bothering to question, or test, that assertion.

Old stenographers never die, they just spin away.

Also of interest is Dana Rohrabacher's defense of Jackoff: "Words like bribery are being used to describe things that happened every day in Washington and are not bribes." That quote should be nailed to Rohrabacher's forehead every day, and the Justice Department should haul Rohrabacher in for a debriefing under oath, ASAP.

Update: It gets even worse.

Hic

Peggy Noonan must've gotten that longed-for 50-gallon drum of Ancient Age 'neath her Christmas tree:

But history moves quickly. His people hit reseat; he announced a refocus. The economy is an almost unnoticed triumph. Christmas spending is up 10%. Iraq votes yet again, amid pictures of purple fingers. Mr. Bush's numbers go up. He is dinged but not done. All will hinge on Iraq. History will say Bush was a dramatic and consequential president who broke through the wall of history and successfully reordered the most dangerous part of the world, or a dramatic and all-too-consequential president whose decisions yielded disaster. It's like looking at Woodrow Wilson in 1919 and wondering, How is this going to go?

Are you a pessimist? Then you're thinking Eccliastes: "Vanity, all is vanity."

That's what people are saying about your Pope book, Pegaloon. Now dry out and learn to proofread.

Speculation has it that the owners of the Wall Street Journal's publisher will sell the rag to the highest bidder this year. One can only hope that the new owner will sweep out the freaks -- Nooners, John Thumb Fund, Taranto and Dotty Rabinowitz, to name a few -- as a first step to restoring the paper's credibility.

TBogg has passed the "four" thing to me, so get ready for an emotional roller coaster ride as I bare what passes for my soul.

Four jobs you've had in your life: Bagboy, pizza delivery boy, kitchen worker, research intern. (Two of the four were union jobs.)

Four movies you could watch over and over: Local Hero, Dr. Strangelove, The Graduate, Monty Python's Life of Brian.

Four places you've lived: hrmfmrrhm, Indiana, umhurmurm, Illinois, Oakland, Calif. and mumblemumble, Calif.

Four TV shows you love to watch: Love is too strong a word, but Jeopardy!, Mystery, C-SPAN II's Book TV (except when they show wingnuts) and any infomercial starring Billy "Sometimes Soaking Is The Solution" Mays.

Four places you've been on vacation: Philadelphia, Penn.; Toronto, Ont. (Canada); Mendicino, Calif.; Los Angeles, Calif.

Four websites you visit daily: Tbogg (of course), World O'Crap, the New York Times Crossword Puzzle page and [insert your blog's name here].

Four of your favorite foods: Spinach ravioli, grilled salmon, orange juice (no pulp) and chocolate-covered raspberries in a raspberry sauce.

Four places you'd rather be: Right here, right now there is no place I'd rather be. But, as if the cost of living wasn't high enough already: London, Edinburgh, Tokyo and Ho Chi Minh City.

Kitty Litter

I was going to ignore Kitty Parker's column about the pernicious influence of blogs. Parker is, after all, the columnist who quoted with approval a friend who advocated the assassination the 2004 Democratic Presidential primary candidates, and then attempted to cover up the quote and lie to her readers about it. So she should know about integrity and accountability.

The column is so vague as to be meaningless, and was no doubt phoned in weeks ago so Kitty could take another week's vacation at year end.

But I was curious about Kitty's own cred. Turns out she works as a flunky for the Buckleys, at something called the Buckley School of Public Speaking and Inbreeding. The mission of the school can be gleaned from the dribblings of its senile founder, Reid Buckley:

Have you ever grieved to see decent, gifted, hard-working people humiliated in public by jackasses? Have you been one of them?

In 1984, a toxic gas leak in Bhopal, India killed nearly 3000 [sic] people. The tragedy was terrible. So was the seeming incompetence of so many high Union Carbide functionaries, who where [sic - so much for standards] paraded before the camera. They appeared never to be able to get their stories straight.

As Reid Buckley watched these decent men squirm and fumble, he thought how unnecessary that humiliation was. He began testing a workshop to teach executives how to express themselves with poise under duress. The result four years later was the opening of the Buckley School.

Pity the poor executives, whose humiliation was at least as tragic to Reid as the asphyxiation, blindness and sudden death of thousands of Indians exposed to clouds of deadly poison in their own homes. And to be humiliated by poor, non-Anglo, non-Christian corpses, no less. I guess Kitty considers helping corporate killers get their stories straight to be of more value to society than blogging.

ROGER'S YEAR IN REVIEW QUIZ 2005

It's time for the annual Roger Ailes year-in-review quiz, commemorating the highlights and lowlights of the past 361 days. (Trust me, nothing important is going to happen in the next four days.) Taking the quiz will allow you to achieve closure and put the past behind you once and for all.

Answers will be posted next year.

Good luck.

Part I -- 20 Points

Who Said It?

The premise explains itself.

1. "You are the best governor ever -- deserving of great respect!"

2. "But that's not how [Social Security] works. You pay your payroll tax; we pay for the people who have retired, and if there's any money left over, we spend it on government. That's how it works. And what's left is an empty IOU, a piece of paper. "

3. "Massages are routine in beauty shops in Cambodia and are not sexual, but for Srey Neth, they scream danger. I'm delighted."

4. "Ambitious, high-achieving women are still a turnoff in many areas, particularly if they're liberal and feminist."

5. "My whole life I've lived aboveboard. I've never even smoked a marijuana cigarette."

6. "There is no evidence that this memo came from the Republicans."

7. "Why should my past prevent me from having a future?"

8. "We have the ability to take him [Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez] out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability.

9. "Cool. The tsunami may have uncovered an ancient city."

10. "In no country except the United States have Jews felt fully a member of the national group in which they lived."

11. "She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli."

12. "Out West, where you vacation, the aspens will already be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work -- and life."

13. "It has come to my attention that these statements are in error.... I did not contact Herzig-Yoshinaga or Irons directly.... I apologize to Irons and Herzig-Yoshinaga for the errors."

14. "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this, this is working very well for them."

15. "Now move out of your parents's basements and join an Internet dating service
before you lose all your hair."

16. "I got it at Nordstroms .... Are you proud of me? Can I quit now? Can I go home?"

17. "People are beginning to think that your illness may have affected your brain, your judgment and your ability to do this job."

18. "The 9/11 Commission bears some responsibility for the disaster that American disaster relief has become.... But there was no deliberation after the commission issues its report and browbeat Washington into doing what they said. So Washington did. And FEMA is a mess. And New Orleans is a mess."

19. "[W]e need to get some $ from those monkeys!!!!"

20. "I'm never going to underestimate al Qaeda -- Never."

Scoring: One point for each correct answer.

Part II -- 20 Points

Dr. Phil In The Blanks

Like regular fill-in-the-blank, but with a huge misshapen melonhead.

1. "Again, I'm not going to comment on an ______________ ______________."

2. Justice ______________

3. "George Bush doesn't care about ______________ ______________. "

4. "You're a ______________ ______________ ______________ ______________. Your hands are shaking. You badly need another drink,"

5. Miss ______________ ______________

6. "Where the______________ ______________ at?"

7. "Whether [the truth] will continue to be submerged by a wave of ______________ by the Enron Task Force will be determined by former Enron employees."

8. The Bridge to ______________

9. "Well, I think that's ______________, and I hate that. Just let it go."

10. "I think they're in the ______________ ______________, if you will, of the insurgency."

Scoring: Two points for each correct answer.

Part III -- 20 Points

Grand Old Police Blotter: The Year In Republicrime Edition

2005 has been an embarassment of riches on the Republican crime beat. I was able to come up with 15 off the top of my head. The problem was who to keep off the list. (You dodged a metaphorical bullet, Bill Frist.)

And unlike those yobbos in Michelle Malkin's tales of pie throwing, sign-removing, misdemeanoring nobodies, nearly everyone here is a big-time player convicted or accused of felonious conduct.

Match the Republican:

1. Randy "Duke" Cunningham

2. Adam Kidan

3. Robert Taft

4. George W. Bush

5. David Safavian

6. Dick Dasen, Snr.

7. Lawrence Franklin

8. Irving Libby

9. Galen Fox

10. Robert Ney

11. Conrad Black

12. Jim West

13. Jack Abramoff

14. Don Sherwood

15. Armstrong Williams

16. Tom Noe

17. James Tobin

18. Robert Greene

19. Tom DeLay

20. Michael Scanlon

To his crime(s):

a. Lying, obstructing a criminal investigation

b. Abusive sexual conduct during airplane flight

c. Accepting bribes

d. Laundering presidential campaign donations

e. Gambling on cockfighting

f. Violation of ethics laws

g. Wire fraud, conspiracy

h. Failure to disclose payment recieved in exchange for broadcasting material

i. Sexual assault

j. Violation of Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act

k. Conspiracy to pass national defense information to people not entitled to receive it.

l. Sexual abuse of children, prostitution and promotion of prostitution

m. Accepting bribes from defense contractors, tax evasion, conspiracy

n. Racketeering, obstruction of justice, wire fraud, money laundering

o. Conspiracy to bribe public officials

p. Obstruction of justice, perjury and making false statements to investigators

q. Money laundering and conspiracy to commit money laundering

r. Offering government jobs in exchange for sex

s. Wire fraud, bank fraud, fraud fraud, defrauding clients, bribery of public officials, conspiracy to commit bribery, making illegal gifts and campaign contributions, you name it

t. Telephone harrassment

Part IV -- 20 Points

Liars In Love

In 2005, Republicans were mostly able to keep their pants on (or at least out of the papers) and focus instead on their goals of denying sexual autonomy, equality and reproductive rights to their fellow citizens. What was lacking in quantity, the G.O.P. nonetheless made up for in diversity.

Match the Republican:

1. Bernard Kerik

2. Mickey Kaus

3. Drugs Limbaugh

4. Lewis Libby

5. James Guckert

6. Joe Braun

7. John Bolton

8. Oswego, NY, Mayor John Gosek

9. Neal Horsley

10. Jim West

With the actual or alleged object of his erection:

a. Underage girls

b. Mistress Daryn

c. motobrock

d. swing clubs

e. A bear

f. Judith Regan

g. A collared woman

h. A mule

i. Straight cowboys

j. Anyone with $200

Note: I wasn't present for any of this, and I couldn't be happier.

Scoring: Two points for each correct answer.

Part V -- 20 Points

Multiple Guess

There are no stupid questions. There are only stupid answers.

1. Which of the following terms did the Bush Administration and its media flunkies use to describe "Voluntary Personal Retirement Accounts"?

a. Private accounts
b. Privitization
c. Partial privatization
d. A windfall for our base
e. a, b and c but not d.

2. Which of the following is Mickey Kaus willing to give up to defeat terrorists?

a. His hair
b. His credibility
c. Your right to privacy
d. His fear of imaginary African-Americans and Hispanics with baseball bats.

3. Which one of the following politicians did not place his wife on a campaign and/or staff payroll to boost his family income?

a. Rep. Tom DeLay (R-TX)
b. Rep. Dana Rohrabacher(R-CA)
c. Rep. Jerry Lewis (R-CA)
d. Rep. David Dreier (R-CA)

4. How many House Democrats voted for the 2005 "Bankruptcy Reform" bill:

a. 143
b. 53
c. 63
d. 73
e. 83

5. Which of the following bits of crappy prose did not cost suckers $3.5 to 7 million:

a. "The liberal left gives succor to the radical elements of Islam by opposing executive power against our enemies."
b. "The Iraqi list of Allawi in another reaction said that they commission received 23 alerts of 'Red Flag' complaints which represent the highest level of violations, a spokesman of the list said they will obstruct the formation of the new government if the commission ignored those complaints."
c. "Lion Eats Lamb's March 2005 assessment of the Bush administration's indifference to the Irish Peace Process takes on a new perspective in retrospect."
d. "Geoffrey Mock of Human Rights in Egypt has been following the Nour trial for some time says 'There are strong voices for Egyptian democracy in the country, voices that speak from a wide range of opinions. ...'"
e. "The cars have been attacked by baseball bats. One witnesses is reporting by cell phone from behind bushes and trees."

6. Which of the following was not written by Kathryn J. Lopez at The Corner:

a. "I just dialed a wrong #. (Yes, I occassionally exist off of the Internet.) It was Jerry Springer."
b. "Peggy, keep your claws off B16."
c. "Dennis Miller is off CNBC as of Friday. Someone get this man another show.... He's a smart, funny dude.
d. "The pope never condemned the war in Iraq."

7. Which of the following did Judith Miller not complain about while in prison?

a. Her bedding
b. Bloggers
c. The television preferences of the other inmates
d. American casualties resulting from false claims that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction
e. The lack of privacy

8. Which of the following did Mark Tosspot, Michelle Malkin et al. not cite as evidence of Joel Henry Hinrichs III's Islamojihadofascistic tendencies:

a. Plastic bottles in the trunk of his car
b. The expiration date of his car's registration
c. His Pakistani roommate
d. Facts

9. Which of the following books will be published next year?

a. Who Moved My Government Cheese: How Liberals Ruined My Wonderful Gravy Train, by Armstrong Williams (WND Books)
b. Lynched: How Liberals Made Ku Klux Klan A Dirty Word, and How You Can Fight To Restore Its Honor, by Wes Pruden (Stormfront/VDare Books)
c. Rebel-in-Chief: How George W. Bush Is Redefining the Conservative Movement and Transforming America, by Fred Barnes (Crown Forum)
d. Blog II: Electric Blogaloo, by Hugh Hewitt (Regnery)
e. How Democrats Are Hitler, by Jonah Goldberg (Thomas Nelson Books)

10. To date, the direct financial cost of the War Against Iraq for American taxpayers is:

a. 175 billion
b. 200 billion
c. 229 billion
d. 247 billion
e. 284 billion

Part VI -- 10 Points

The Year In Preview

This year, we add a forward-looking section to the quiz. Answers will be posted January 1, 2007, I should live so long.

1. The longest prison sentence in 2006 went to which of the following:

a. Jack Abramoff
b. Kenneth Lay
c. Irving "Scooter" Libby
d. Tom DeLay
e. Karl Rove
f. Dick Cheney
g. Michael Scanlon
h. Drugs Limbaugh
i. Bob Ney

2. Bush's lowest job approval rating in 2006 fell below which of the following:

a. 35
b. 32
c. 30
d. 28
e. 25
f. 20

3. This film's Best Picture award at the 2006 Academy Awards caused el-Bent Bozell III's second heart attack:

a. Syriana
b. Munich
c. Brokeback Mountain
d. Goodnight And Good Luck
e. Transamerica
6. Capote
7. Herbie: Fully Loaded

4. The greatest percentage increase in the past 12 months (since December 31, 2005), occurred in the following:

a. The national average price for regular unleaded gas
b. The Dow Jones Industrial Average
c. The unemployment rate
d. The national average home price
e. The number of Americans who think Bush should be impeached

5. The first conservative commentator and/or columnist to be caught accepting payola in 2006 was ________________.

Scoring: Two points for each correct answer.

Thhhhwappp!

A theologian folds the Washington Post Book World into the shape of a ruler, and raps Knucklesucka hard:

There is the morning -- the very ordinary sunny morning -- when her glass coffee mug shatters in her hand and produces rounded pebbles rather than shards. Noonan takes this as a sign from God, who says: "There is explosive power in what appear to be mere pebbles. There is explosive power in the Rosary, for instance. And I want you to know this." Having received a rosary from the hands of the pope, she begins saying it. All of this -- the mug, the coffee that didn't scald her, the pebbles, the rosary, the pope, God -- " feels like a little miracle ." Or maybe it was just shatter-proof safety glass.

But how does one explain the miracle of Nooner's Continuing Employment?

The chapters recounting her spiritual development and back-sliding are high on rhetoric and low on detail. Veiled allusions to challenging and painful events vanish into the wisps of spiritual counsel, drawn from her own articles and columns, which have been cut and pasted into this volume.

Let it bleed.

In the land of Cafeteria Catholics, Peggy Noonan's diet is best described as self-cannibalistic.