Republican Family Values: Quid Pro Ho Edition

Just the other day, I said: Hey, Mom and Dad, could you give $96,000.00 to some woman I screwed, and her family? In unmarked bills?

Unfortunately, my parents stopped doing my laundry when I moved out. Not so for Johnny Ensign's parents:

Sen. John Ensign's attorney acknowledged Thursday that the Nevada Republican's parents paid nearly $100,000 to the family of his mistress around the time she and her husband left his staff in April 2008.

In a statement from Paul Coggins, Ensign's attorney, said that the senator gave Doug Hampton, Cindy Hampton and their two children gifts worth $96,000 and that "each gift was limited to $12,000." [Which was it, the Senator or his parents? Get better writers, Politic-ho -- RA]

"The payments were made as gifts, accepted as gifts and complied with tax rules governing gifts," Coggins said.

Coggins said that after Ensign told his parents about his affair with Cindy Hampton -who was an then a campaign aide - the senator's parents "decided to make the gifts out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time.

"The gifts are consistent with a pattern of generosity by the Ensign family to the Hamptons and others."

That last statement was a huge mistake, Coggsy. Someone is going to demand proof.

"Doctor" Helen Attacks Second Amendment Heroine

"Doctor" Helen Smith ponders the death of Steve McNair:

What will happen if the evidence finds that this woman killed the victim? Probably nothing. "Experts," politicians, and activists will continue to say we need to focus exclusively on domestic violence against women...and people will applaud. Does anyone see the irony here?

Why, yes, I believe I do.

The murderess gets off scot free simply because she's a woman. If she was a man, she's get jail time and a lethal injection while sitting in the electric chair! How long must men put up with such discrimination! You're brilliant, "Dr." H!

Apart from the obvious idiocy of Helen Headcase's call from something to be done, the quack fails to identify anyone who thinks domestic violence (or any type of violence) is, or should be, illegal only when the victim is a woman. The "doctor" also fails to explain how any action could be taken to prevent an event such as McNair's shooting when there was no history of violence between the persons involved.

Since "Dr." Helen thinks men are the true victims of domestic abuse, the solution is obvious. Disarm all women to give men a level playing field. By force, if necessary.

These Are The Jokes, Folks

Some tool named Tevi Troy (another moron from Cornell, and a wingnut welfare queen to boot), demonstrates his mastery of humor:

Harry Reid's press conference yesterday revealed some interesting things. The first thing is that he apparently doesn't think much of Al Franken's humor:

REID: Senator Franken gave me a few jokes he thought I should share with you, but I didn't like them, so I'm not going to do it.

Since senators love few things more than to get laughs from reporters, I would love to see the rejected Franken jokes and see if they were rejected because they were unfunny, tasteless, or both.

He's absolutely right. Tevi should demand to see the gags, and should refuse to do anything else until the Majority Leader hands them over and offers a full explanation for his refusal to recite them. If Senator Reid denies their existence, Tevi should blow the lid off this vast conspiracy and bring the Senate down around the Leader's ears.

Wotta maroon!

Value of roll of toilet paper > Value of Cornell law degree

Doolally

How does George Will keep his job with the Washington Post Writers Group?

*rimshot*

The usually accurate Bob Somerby appears to have confused Elizabeth "Lally" Weymouth nee Graham with Katharine "$25 K" Weymouth.

That would make Katharine her own mother, which, while it would explain how she got her current position, is scientifically impossible.

Bore On The Fourth Of July

How dead is the Teabag Movement? Even a bought-and-paid-for hack like Roger el-Simon can't get it up for Bagism any more:

The Tea Party Movement has some promise, but it too looks backwards. Madison, Adams and Hamilton were clearly great men, but where are their modern equivalents? Surely we don't want to rely entirely on ideas honed in the Eighteenth Century, laudatory as many of them are. It’s good to be reminded of them, but it's also good to have a plan. I haven't heard one yet, just a lot of no - no to taxes, no to spending, no to socialized medicine. That's all fine as far as it goes, but it's not exactly inspiring.

That leaves inbred law perfesser Glenn Reynolds as the last man holding the teabag.

But disillusionment at his manufactured movement is just a part of Rog el's greater funk, which appears to have started at around the same time sales figures for Blackfisting Myself were released. Roger is really, really, really bummed, and it's all because America won't put out for him, no matter how much he begs:

Don't get me wrong - I love my country. And maybe it's because I love it so much that I am so depressed. Yes, I know it's always darkest before the dawn and all that. And I want to "look at the bright side," as my grandmother always advised. Still, these are dark times and it's hard to pretend otherwise.

I'm guessing Roger's Gran wasn't living in a mini-mansion off royalties and wingnut welfare. And that she was a lot more pleasant to be around than her fatuous mope of a grandson.

Fortunately, Rog has a solution to his malaise, one he lifted from the title of the shittiest Woody Allen film that Rog didn't write:

No, my suggestion is even more radical. We should junk the liberal and conservative orthodoxies that have divided - and blinded - us for so long and go back not to Eighteenth Century America, but Nineteenth, to the days of that most American of philosophies - pragmatism. "The pragmatists rejected all forms of absolutism and insisted that all principles be regarded as working hypotheses that must bear fruit in lived experience." Now there's a thought that might brighten even grumpy me on the Fourth of July.

That's the kind of philosophy we might expect from a man who believes that no one can tell he's bald if he never takes off his hat.

Thank You

A sincere thank you to my guest bloggers, Anthony Cartouche and Tom Hilton.

A big round of applause for Anthony and Tom, give it up, everybody.

I Quit

A Thousand Clowns on Broadway

There's No Dissonance Like Cognitive Dissonance

Modoc has the highest Republican registration of any county in California, it unfailingly elects anti-tax Republicans to office, and the vote here against last month's ballot measure that would have raised a variety of taxes was one of the most lopsided in the state. And yet, per capita, Modoc County gets more state taxpayer dollars than all but one of California's 58 counties....

"I don't think voters in the conservative counties understand the connection between the service they are receiving and the votes their representatives are making," Evans said. "Maybe the layers of government are so convoluted that many people don't realize how it works."

In Modoc, the way it works is that if the cuts being proposed go through, near-catastrophe will reign, said County Administrative Officer Mark Charlton.

He said the entire road maintenance service would be closed except for snowplowing on a few main roads, the welfare-to-work CalWORKS program would be cut in half, many mental health patients would no longer be monitored and would relapse and wind up behind bars, and there would be fewer police patrols.

And if the Capitol does indeed slash Modoc County's money for road maintenance, health services and welfare job training - which will happen, if Sacramento's Republicans get their way - McGarva and Hodge have the same plan.

"Well, we'll just get by the way we did in the Great Depression - on our own," McGarva said.

And there are simply too many notes, that's all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.

No law, bill, resolution or any act of Congress shall exceed 2000 words, including all footnotes, amendments and signatures. Congress shall not vote on any item longer than that. Each item requiring a vote shall be read aloud in its entirety in session to a majority of members. Those not in attendance may not vote on the item.